I knew it would come at some point and I tried and tried to stave it off, but sure enough the ‘meltdown’ has arrived.
The past few days have left me feeling a bit rubbish. I went from congratulating myself for getting through four and a half months restriction free (the longest I have ever managed!) at the beginning of last week to going back to complaining about how fat I (feel that I) am, how ugly I (feel that I) am, wondering what crash diet to go on and cancelling plans on two days because I couldn’t face seeing anyone towards the end of the week. I’ve tried to gather my thoughts on this and have come to a few conclusions.
The first is that this whole thing is difficult for my brain to process. I’ve always had restricting and controlling my food to fall back on in any given situation. I suppose my eating disorder gave me an identity and without it I feel a bit lost. Like any new thing, you go through a ‘honeymoon period’ before the need for the real graft kicks in and I guess I’ve had that period now. Although the last four and a half months have been challenging, I’ve kept going and have not once spent a day controlling my food, refusing food, counting calories etc and I have really forced myself through some days. I had a period a few weeks back where I felt on top of the world – euphoric almost. I felt like I had cracked this and had it all sussed. Right now, I feel lost and stressed out and like I want to just go back to the comfort of my old ways. I feel too big, although rationally I know I’m not. I feel like I’m beginning to dread summer arriving as I just want to cover up and hide because I hate my body so much again (which is no good given we are moving overseas to a hot country in 4 and a half months time!) and I feel like I need to take a look at my diet and start making drastic changes (which would be utterly ridiculous).
The second is that this could just all be down to good old hormones! Just over four weeks ago I started on the mini pill to help try and regulate my up and down hormones which I’ve been left with thanks to my eating disorder and over exercising. I seemed to start off fine on it, but in the last 10 days or so I’ve become really bloated to the point my face has changed shape and I have so many spots! My once lovely skin has become greasy and congested which is incredibly frustrating given that I have cleansed, toned, applied serum, eye cream and moisturised twice a day, every single day, for the past decade using high end products! I really look after my skin and spend a lot of time and money doing so, so it’s really disheartening for it to have changed like this. I don’t think that’s helping my mood at the minute either. So perhaps PMT and my hormones trying to level out is causing some changes to how I feel as well.
My current mood and feelings could be a combination of both main points I’ve spoken about here. I think if I can bear in mind that no two days are ever going to be the same, learn to expect and embrace any changes which will undoubtedly occur and try and take things as they come and move on from them, I’ll be able to keep going and I’ll get through the rough patches.
It’s taken me my entire life to feel a certain way and it’s not going to take just four and a half months to undo it all. I should expect that there will be times when I feel uncertain about my decision to ‘get better’, feel ‘normal’ and love myself as much as my amazing husband and children do, but I should just accept that and keep moving forward.