Recovery isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and sometimes things can be really difficult. I did have a few really hard days last week where I felt bloated, fat and ugly and wanted to sit and start calculating diet plans (AKA restriction plans) and doing more exercise to lose the weight I had gained, thinking it would make me feel better. However, I remembered that when I was over exercising and restricting my food intake massively and being generally quite horrible to myself and my body, I was miserable. I was doing all of those things and putting all of that effort in and having it take over my life, but it wasn’t making me happy like I expected it would. I wasn’t becoming the person I thought I should be.
Monday morning this week didn’t start so well. It was like the morning. From. Hell. I was beginning to feel a bit out of control and when I feel like that I know that I always have food restriction and exercise to fall back on to make me feel more ‘in control’ of things. Luckily, I got home to some good news and it managed to distract me enough from those feelings to keep things in check. Despite my eldest boy being poorly, we continued to get more good news this week and I think it has really helped my frame of mind just when I was needing it.
Earlier in the week I had been reading an article about treating your body like it’s your friend. Remembering that you wouldn’t do or say such horrible things to one of your friends and how you would behave positively towards them – so why do and say these awful things and not behave in that positive way towards yourself? Yesterday I woke up feeling amazing. I actually felt good about myself for once and thankful for what my body can do. It was a strange feeling, I suppose you could say it was novel, as I’m not used to feeling like that at all – but I loved it! It was so nice to actually feel good about myself.
This morning I’ve woken up feeling the same. I was looking through Instagram and came across a photo of the most gorgeous woman and my initial reaction was ‘oh my god, she looks amazing, why don’t I look like that?’. Normally, I would criticise myself further, pick at my appearance and spend the day feeling disappointed in myself for not looking a certain way. Today, I managed to squash that voice pretty instantly and instead of all those horrible things which I usually would have thought, I reminded myself it’s because I’m me and I look like me and there’s no one else in the world who does! It made me smile. I couldn’t believe I’d actually managed to think that way without even really thinking about it (if that makes sense!). It’s a massive achievement for me and I’m feeling really proud – which in turn is also helping me feel good! One day, I hope to get to the stage where I don’t even have that initial thought I did.
I may not have a flat stomach or a razor sharp jawline and killer cheekbones anymore, I may have gained some lbs and some body fat, but I feel good. I don’t know whether it’s the double chocolate peanut butter Magnum ice creams I’ve been enjoying plenty of, the fact I’m not carb-starved and suffering from over-exhaustion anymore or the fact I’ve tried hard to stop being so critical of myself constantly but whatever it is, I hope it continues. I think I’ve been a better person to be around the last few days.
I believe it’s really important to document these days where I feel so good because I know there will be days when I don’t and this will be something I can look back on to remind myself that I CAN keep going and I WILL get there, one day at a time. Now, where are those Magnums?